Did I not just have her yesterday? Are you sure?
Going-back-to-work thoughts have been creeping in lately, as the end of my maternity leave looms. I have been fighting them off, living in the moment, soaking up the time I will never get back. The first two months felt as though they went forever, when you’re stumbling step-by-step through the unpredictable days, the endless feeding, the feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck and there’s still a toddler who wants a bowl of “ceerpal” for breakfast RIGHT NOW. The next two months were spent trying to slow down time as you can see them growing and changing before your eyes while the days fly by. And even though I tried really hard this time to imprint it all in my memory, I can barely remember those first weeks. Perhaps it is a self-preservation act by our brain, I don’t know. Biggie’s first weeks were the same, and I always regretted not paying more attention before it was all over. Now I realise that it’s almost impossible to remember clearly.
I love, love, LOVE my job. I teach media law to journalism students at university, and it’s something I am passionate about. I edit and maintain the journalism school’s website, showcasing students’ work. I co-ordinate a team of interns every semester who write sport stories for our local newspaper, like a mini editorial team. I love it all. I want to go back. I want to immerse myself in it. I had a meeting the other day and I felt the same way I always do at the start of every year: energised, motivated, excited. I am only physically on campus one day a week, the rest I do from home – it couldn’t be a better arrangement for me. I am home with my babies all day every day besides – living the stay-at-home mum dream (well, work-at-home!) and being as flexible as I like with my days. My freelance writing commitments get met at naptime and after they’ve gone to bed. It’s a system that works for me.
Bigs was five months when she first went to the daycare on campus that one day a week while I had class. I had been doing bits and pieces here and there from home, and I was ready to get back into it. She was an “easy” baby and I more than love being a mum, but I also enjoyed what working afforded me. Smalls will be five months when I start teaching again in March and I can’t believe how different I feel. Not about going back to work, because I’m excited about that. Not about Smalls going in to day care one day a week, because I love that day care and I think they do a phenomenal job caring for my children. Biggie loves it there and I have no doubt Smalls will too. No, I think my maudlin weirdness is totally due to this part of my life being over. The growing of babies. The birthing of babies. The newborn bubble that the real world doesn’t infringe on. I have said before, once they’re grown and I’m back at work, they’re grown and I’m back at work. I don’t get this time ever again in my life and I’m acutely aware of it. I didn’t expect to have two babies quite so close together and I feel like Smalls materialised into a human so rapidly I didn’t have time to long for a pregnancy again, to psych myself up for a newborn. I was pregnant and then she was born and now I’m going to work and wow what the hell just happened? And while I fell pregnant six months earlier than I was perhaps planning, and I’m overthinking this period of my children’s lives, I am SO glad she came when she did. But the suddenness of it all meant I couldn’t drag out this special period for very long.
Sure I could not go back to work. I’d be ok. But I don’t think that’s it. I think it is just the realisation that an era is ending and whether that happens now or in six months or a year doesn’t matter. I would feel the same way at any time. And to be honest, my life won’t change much going back to work one day a week, it will feel very much like it does now. But I will have crossed an invisible line that marks off a section of my life, and it’s interesting (and slightly weird) to be so conscious of it.
My name is Stacey and I’m overthinking this. Hello!
Natalie Stewart says
January 18, 2013 at 6:05 amWe (and by “we” I really mean “I”) had decided that there would be no more babies after 30, I had my second at 29, so I knew that was it. Whilst I have been blessed to be able to stay home with my babies (don’t tell the 9 year old I still call him my baby), I know that when I relinquish care of my youngest to day care/friends/family/daddy she’s no longer “mine”. I have many of the same feelings as you, I love working, I love what day care can give my kids, I want to work, I want for my kids to see me work, but I know that when I am at home, I want to be working and when I’m working I want to be with my kids. Sigh!
Veggie Mama says
January 18, 2013 at 4:57 pmOh my goodness, I read a blog post about that once! It was brilliantly written. I guess I’d sort of feel the same way if I had to work full time OR stay home full time, but at the moment I have the best of both worlds. And lots of people ask me if I know I’m done after two, and I am. I really am. Not because I don’t love babies, but this is just what feels right for us.
Shari Wakefield says
January 18, 2013 at 8:15 amMy name is Shari and I am a SUPER over-thinker! I have 6 more working weeks until I begin my maternity leave (I will be 38 weeks pregnant) and I am worried about returning to work… Childcare is a major pain-in-the-arse in Canberra and is super difficult to get into, so basically you need to have your child’s name down at a centre before they are born. CRAZY right! Shari from http://www.goodfoodweek.blogspot.com
Veggie Mama says
January 18, 2013 at 4:59 pmI was really wanting to get Abby into the daycare on campus so I put her down before she was born! Pepper too. I am grateful it worked out and I don’t have to leave my child with people with whom I don’t feel comfortable or am not happy with. I feel bad for people who have to do that out of necessity. Mothering breaks your heart, doesn’t it!
Katie Rainbird says
January 18, 2013 at 9:06 amOh Veggie Mama! What a spirally spiral of thoughts you are having. The blink & it’s over trick that life plays doesn’t help, does it. I get it, I totally get it. It’s a huge part of why I chose to continue studying last year rather than find work: to be at home with my wee bestie. Try to keep your focus on the small picture, that’s where you are. xx
Leah says
January 18, 2013 at 9:23 amI think this all comes naturally once you become a mother. Most of us seem to over think EVERYTHING. Take it all as it comes.
Jo (down to earth mother) says
January 18, 2013 at 9:51 amI wouldn’t say you were “overthinking things” – more like “paying attention to the moment”. How many people spend their lives looking forward to the next stage or the next day or the next… thing… and then miss out on the beauty of what’s actually happening right now? I think your mourning is also an acknowledgement of how happy you are right now. Which is awesome.
That said, I hear you – life is literally flashing before my eyes. Every time Edith reaches a new milestone, I’m a bit sad because it’s the last time I’ll have a tree-frog newborn, or a baby who just lies there and looks around. Now she’s eating on her own and trying to crawls and I think, “Waaaaaah, she doesn’t need me any more!!” Dramatic much?
Veggie Mama says
January 18, 2013 at 5:13 pmAh you put that much more eloquently than I did! Yes. a mourning of sorts. And a being-in-the-momentness. So very important in young children’s lives… it is over in a blink. I always get told by older people “make the most of it, soak it all up!” and I feel like yelling “I am!”, but it must mean a lot to them to bother saying.
Melissa Walker Horn says
January 18, 2013 at 11:03 amI’m an overthinker, and I love to read what you write, so this is a match made in heaven. There’s nothing to say really but yup, you probably over thought that one, but it was a joy to read, so win. 😉
Veggie Mama says
January 18, 2013 at 5:13 pmHa I give the people what they want!
Mandy says
January 18, 2013 at 11:04 amMaya, my second has turned one and she is going to be in care 2 days. I feel strange but great about having the freedom to create and reenergise again. But you are hit the nail on the head. I think we are stopping at two kiddies and it feels strange that I am not the lady with the baby anymore. That we are not part of the pram pushing brigade so much. Love my babies but I also lvoe the little people they are growing into. Beautiful post as always.
Veggie Mama says
January 18, 2013 at 5:28 pmThank you! Yes it feels like the end of an era and that’s always a trigger for a little nostalgia, right?! I think it’s a bit silly for me as I’m still going to be home six days out of seven and nothing is really going to change, but I don’t know… it just felt different this time.
Christie Connelly says
January 18, 2013 at 11:17 amSniffs. Wipes eyes. The best is yet to come mama xx
Veggie Mama says
January 18, 2013 at 5:28 pmIt always is!
thebeetleshack.com says
January 18, 2013 at 11:39 amhey fellow wanker. Hell yes, i so over analyse EVERYTHING. I too ran back to work after my Zeph was born and forgot to take it all in… something about that first baby and talking it all for granted.
The balance will be perfect, enjoy having a brain AND milk in your boobs.
xo em
Veggie Mama says
January 18, 2013 at 5:28 pmHa that is the best way of putting it! so succinct. Also so excited you’re stretching your new mama time out a little bit longer! You is beautiful x
Kelli Stevens says
January 18, 2013 at 11:56 amDefinite over thinker here too. Just wanted to post to say that a) A & P are beautiful girls and B) I like your tag “I am a wanker”, haha!
Veggie Mama says
January 18, 2013 at 5:29 pmI think it’s my favourite tag!
mrs Holsby says
January 18, 2013 at 12:55 pmTotes 😉
Veggie Mama says
January 18, 2013 at 5:29 pm*high five*
Lisa Mckenzie says
January 18, 2013 at 1:34 pmAAww Stacey yes they grow too quickly that’s for sure mine are adults and big 20 somethings but they are still my babies,that is one thing that NEVER changes the mother instinct the nuturing and the bond you have with your babies,you would lay down on the road and get hit by a truck before you let anything happpen to them.I think it is great that your going back to work though it is good for you as a person to have a life outside your children and yes day care is good that is what my daughter does and she loves those littel babes and the big kids too,and don’t worry I am an other thinker too i think it comes with being a Mum your forever changed,take care hon x
Veggie Mama says
January 18, 2013 at 5:30 pmI think you’re right… I stopped overthinking in my mid-twenties and felt so free! Then motherhood comes and BAM, you’re right back in it. I love that they will be my children no matter what. And how wonderful are day care workers who take care of our babies so generously and lovingly. They are AWESOME.
Cath @mybeardedpigeon says
January 18, 2013 at 7:23 pmYes yes yes!!
Reannon Hope says
January 18, 2013 at 3:01 pmTotal over thinker here too!
I’ve realised that in my ( almost) 13 years of being a mum that it is full of era’s ending & new ones beginning. Sometimes I’m sad to see one finish ( like my biggest finishing primary school) sometimes I’m happy to see it go ( the waking in the middle of the night & getting up at 5am for about 8 years were not my fave’s)….it’s just a constant readjustment.
Veggie Mama says
January 18, 2013 at 5:31 pmOh man, yes! That’s so true! I guess this is my first end of an era and I was so very conscious of it, not having one before. I’m looking forward to the new phases beginning, we are going to have SO much fun as a family.
Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo says
January 18, 2013 at 3:55 pmthe second always grows up in a heart beat. The era now, between going back to work and KINDER OMGOMGOMG is the longest but also the very very best. Trust me. They become PEOPLE and it is freaking AWESOME.
(and then when they go to school they become obnoxious until they are teenagers when they become unbearable… I kid, I kid…)
Veggie Mama says
January 19, 2013 at 2:04 pmHa I don’t think you’re too far off the money!
I have wondered if I’m normal, but I love kids and I love having babies more and more every day as they get older. I don’t get all moon-faced about the newborn period, but I’m ga-ga over toddlers. Perhaps it’s my coal heart.
Phemie Wright says
January 18, 2013 at 5:51 pmLike the ending of spring or summer… we will not only miss the abundance,
the growth, the frivolities… but we also know that without the autumn and
winter of living…there would not be the light that lives in our hearts.
So too the growing of children and the changing of roles, the autumn harvest and soon to be winter must come. No less sad, no less integral to the cycle of life…
And now…with the hippy/Anthony Roberts shit analogies are written….the
human in me says at times like this “WHAAAAAAAA why do things ALWAYS have
to END..and CHANGE….!!”
Stace, it is the fact you are so profoundly reflective and relatable to the
‘now’, that nothing will ever “pass you by”, that you will have
nothing to regret with your children, because you did what many can not… you
paid attention, you lived ‘here’, as much as is humanly possible, and you
should be proud of that.
It is because of your musings, these beautiful memories will always sweep around you some summers day, and you will feel them all again as though nothing ever changed.
For that is the profound ability of the woman, of the mother, she lives here,
though her heart is tethered to the past and her hopes to the future. She is
the ultimate emotional ancient tree. Here, there and everywhere.
So like basically…she is waterfall awesome…have I mentioned, waterfall
awesome? I feel like I may have mentioned the waterfall awesome that you are?
😉
Cath @mybeardedpigeon says
January 18, 2013 at 7:21 pmI think breastfeeding a baby through the night somehow turns your brain into an over thinking one. I too am lucky that I have a work from home job too so I can stay at home with my baby but I have another job I am on leave from, a 5 day a fortnight job, I have to go back to in October and I am already dreading the idea of leaving Romi at all, but like you I love it so its hard. It’s hard to want to be in 2 places at the same time.
Veggie Mama says
January 19, 2013 at 2:03 pmIf only we had Hermione’s time-turner!
Alana Helbig says
January 18, 2013 at 8:57 pmWhat a beautiful and honest post Stacey. Thank you for sharing with us x
Veggie Mama says
January 19, 2013 at 2:01 pmThat’s very kind of you to say x
marisa says
January 19, 2013 at 12:02 amI totally understand! I have not brought myself to start working again (I’m a yoga teacher, so can really start back up when I want) but yet the babies just keep getting older. Although a bit different, I had a surprise twin pregnancy and now with my two beautiful 10 month olds I find myself wondering if I am going to have more, or if this baby stage is just done for me which makes me awfully sad! The kiddos are getting more and more fun everyday but still I expected to have several children spaced apart and live through this a few times, and this might just be it! So I totally understand your overthinking haha!
Veggie Mama says
January 19, 2013 at 2:02 pmHa yep that sounds like me! Only I know I’m done with babies and I am happy with that. I just didn’t realise being done would come around so fast!
Michelle Pope says
January 19, 2013 at 12:59 pmThat read, so beautifully..love your work !
Veggie Mama says
January 19, 2013 at 2:02 pmThanks! xo
Cyndie says
January 19, 2013 at 2:18 pmYour job sounds very interesting Stacey and needless that being able to work from home is a chance many would love to have! Good on you!
Veggie Mama says
January 21, 2013 at 8:23 pmOh yes, my job is fascinating! Half the reason I love it so much. And I’m so pleased I worked hard in order to be able to have a job I could be so flexible with. It certainly does make a difference 🙂
Mother Down Under says
January 19, 2013 at 7:52 pmAt least you know that this point in your life is over.
I don’t know!
Will I have another? Will Toddler C be it?
I am starting to over think!
And I have had a few wines!
This combination is not good!
Veggie Mama says
January 19, 2013 at 9:16 pmHa don’t be ridiculous, it’s the best combination for my entertainment!
Veggie Mama says
January 21, 2013 at 8:24 pmhahah I meant to comment on this the other day! I think a post very much like the one you are describing was the first one I wrote for iVillage. There’s still time! make a baby!
Shan says
January 20, 2013 at 3:47 pmTotal over thinker here too. And I just went through this exact experience myself. My second bub went to daycare and I cried on the way there, cried handing her over, cried on the way home and sobbed like there was no tomorrow once in the safety of my four walls! It’s horrific and painful and terrifying. This feeling last for her first 4 days (both my girls attend daycare two days a week) and now I really appreciate my time away, it allows me to be a better mum. All I can say is do something you really really want to do on that first day with chocolate and wine on the side!!!!! Good luck sweetheart!!!!
Veggie Mama says
January 21, 2013 at 8:26 pmOh my goodness, you poor soul, how wrenching! Isn’t motherhood just the craziest mix of emotions. I’m so glad to hear you feel better about it now, and I agree, some time away makes lots of mums feel as though they cope better and are more present. Well, that and wine and chocolate! xo
Marissa Roberts says
January 21, 2013 at 8:04 pmThis post really spoke to me Stacey, thanks heaps for sharing how you feel about it. I’m due to return to my corporate job in a few months, and I’ll still be running my blog and home business at the same time, so it will be busy busy busy! But I LOVE what I do in both careers, and I adore my 2 girls and want them to know that it’s important to do what you love. A new era is beginning, and I can’t wait to see what it brings. As long as I still have some quality time with my family as well, I’m happy.
And that picture of Pepper – oh she’s so beautiful xx
Veggie Mama says
January 21, 2013 at 8:29 pmYou know, I think once this little maudlin moment is over (the end is near, I swear!) I think I will start seeing it as a new era. Pepper herself is just gorgeous at the moment, all cooing and smiling and being interactive, and I love motherhood even more when they go through big changes and grow up. It’s nice to stop and reflect and say goodbye to mothering moments past. And how fortunate are we that the jobs we are going back to are ones we love. But busy! Oh my, how busy. Why didn’t anyone tell us blogs would be so much work?! I love it desperately but it’s a juggle 🙂
Marissa Roberts says
January 25, 2013 at 9:27 pmSo true!
Raquel says
January 22, 2013 at 10:04 amTwo kiddlets was our plan and after our 2nd bubba was born & growing I felt the same as you, there was an air of impending ‘end of an era’. Then as happens on a spring night after a few drinks 🙂 I fell pregnant with our 3rd, Miss Hannah! Funnily enough with her I didn’t see it as the end of an era. I knew I’d be having no more babies and I really relished all the ‘lasts’ with her. It was a different mindset altogether. So in conclusion – have a 3rd 🙂
Jessica Nazarali says
January 22, 2013 at 1:41 pmYou’re amazing! Don’t know how you do it all with blog, work and two babies – super woman!
charmaine says
January 25, 2013 at 8:16 pmWhat a beautiful post.
I am at the other end of the era……my youngest is 17 and is now driving.
The time goes so quickly, i remember thinking as i gazed into my baby sons face….i will never forget this moment,,,but sadly you do.
Then my daughter came along and she grew up so fast!
I am so glad you are savoring the moments day by day.
I thought i was,,,but time makes the memories fade…thank goodness for photographs 🙂
Mine are now nearly 20 and 17 and where the heck did that time go,,,,,seriously!
I often think back with melancholy…..
ZoJo says
January 29, 2013 at 8:55 pmOh wow, I feel like you read my mind. I think the exact same things, my second is 6 months old & growing too fast – some days it actually scares me! It’s so nice to know I’m not the only one who over thinks this stuff….
Kelly Wayne says
January 31, 2013 at 12:21 pmThank you for such an honest post Stacey! I’m in the process of trying to become a momma, and my bestie is currently going through the “return to work” process so it’s really interesting to see what each mama goes through when this big time comes. xx
SarahMac says
February 2, 2013 at 9:02 amOh Stacey I’ve just gone back to work after what is probably our last baby too. I had 12 months away. It’s wonderful that you have a job you really love, that will help! I HARDCORE do not love my job. I mean, it’s ok, but there’s some stuff related to it that is totally dire. Like commuting all of the hours to get there. And yes, I am ACUTELY aware of the passing of time now, that part of my life is already over. No more babies, I actually feel teary just writing it. Holy moly being a grown up is hard! I never realised how fast time goes before. Now I think about it constantly! Good luck.
Veggie Mama says
February 4, 2013 at 1:24 pmoh mah gawsh I have tried THREE TIMES to respond to comments and none are working. thanks Disqus, you asshole!