“I got some skeletons in my closet, and I don’t know if no-one knows it” – Eminem, Cleaning out my Closet
Because where would we be without a rap quote on Veggie Mama, right? So I’ve been tagged by Sonia to spill five skeletons in my closet on this here blog, which sounds like fun, but my skeletons are staying put. Your eyes would bleed if you read them, and I don’t think they make tissues for that.
Instead, you can have mini-skeletons. Enjoy them.
SKELETON ONE: I HAVE WATCHED EVERY EPISODE OF NEWLYWEDS: NICK AND JESSICA. TWICE.
At least. Some of them several times. I can quote just about anything from it, and my cousin Jessica is still “Teabag Jess” in my phone after watching an episode in 2002 where Jessica Simpson talks to her mother about teabagging (if you don’t know it, don’t google it while your boss or small children are around unless you’re excellent at thinking up explanations on the spot about why you’re looking at scrotal sacks on the internet). They go shopping for clothes, Jessica pulls out pants and her mom says “you can teabag in those, Jess”. Yes, yes you can.
Oh my god, I just found the video! “tea bags – do you know what that is? it’s sexual“. I am dying laughing.
Yum, huh!
SKELETON TWO: SCARY MOVIES
No scary movies actually scare me because I am completely badass. I have been watching scary movies since I was a kid, and became totally immune to them. But don’t you dare try and make me watch White Noise ever again, or even The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I couldn’t get some of those images out of my head at 2am for like, a year.
SKELETON THREE: I AM A PRUDE
I am all for women’s lib and I want you to go on wit yo bad selves all over the place. As often as possible. Go to sex shops. Try new positions. Watch porn. Own your sexuality, gals! But do not tell me about it. I can’t even watch Sex and the City (for many reasons but also because) there’s way too much sex. Allude to it, fine. But I really don’t want to see your sex face. I once read a review on someone’s blog about some device you can insert to help you strengthen your pelvic floor muscles and when she was all “not to mention the other benefits, wink wink” I closed my computer in horror and have never read her blog since. I have a really good imagination guys, when you tell me you or someone else is masturbating, I CANNOT UNSEE THAT IN MY HEAD.
SKELETON FOUR: MY UNHEALTHY BUT NOSTALGIC FOOD CHOICES
Instant coffee, box mac and cheese, just about every Arnott’s biscuit ever made, Vegemite on cheap white bread with the crusts cut off, Paul’s custard in a refrigerated carton, Chocolate Yogo, plastic cheese, I will never leave you. Sometimes we have really long breaks, but you’re still my favourite gal/guy. I promise.
SKELETON FIVE: I AM LAZY
This isn’t really a skeleton, but I don’t talk about it much (although I did here). My one vice I find so hard to jettison is my natural inclination to sit in my pyjamas on the couch while the filthy house rises up around me is STRONG, yo. It’s hard to fight back. Sometimes I don’t. But I am a lazy shit and the only reason anything gets done around here is that I don’t let myself be half as lazy as I’d like to be. But still… lazy, lazy, lazy. Shortcut? I’ll take it!
Got some skeletons for me? I tag anyone who wants to play. Spill!
Bridie @ Miss And Misters says
September 26, 2014 at 7:50 amNick and Jess!! I started saying facetious instead of sarcastic because of Jess…. I mean, I know they’re both now in great relationships, but still. I watched that show the year I got married and in a (shhh, celebrities aren’t really your friends) way, it felt like we were in the same boat. Sigh.
Also, number three? I feel like I can’t unread that!! I mean, I wasn’t thinking about that last part when it comes to, well, anybody, but now I am! You put that image there! Cruel lady.
Veggie Mama says
September 26, 2014 at 10:39 amHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! There are people I still think about doing it and I heard about it years ago. I just am not cut out for that being no thang, you know? Jeezus. I need to read some more Germaine Greer or something.
Lila Wolff says
September 26, 2014 at 8:59 amOh are you going to see Tusk if it comes to Melbourne?
Also heads up don’t read the GQ interview with Norman Reedus.
Veggie Mama says
September 26, 2014 at 10:38 amWhat is Tusk? And I love Norman Reedus – what did he say? Having said that, I love Norman Reedus in The Boondock Saints, I may actually hate him elsewhere, I’m not sure.
Lila Wolff says
September 26, 2014 at 10:52 amYou don’t know what Tusk is and you don’t watch The Walking Dead!
Here’s a link to the trailer for Tusk, I was going to watch it again but I can’t. There’s a whole big build up to the movie that’s not in the clip so it might not be hard to watch for you.
Also I can’t tell you what he said because of Skeleton Three!
also Mr. Wolff is a big boondocks saints fan.
Veggie Mama says
September 26, 2014 at 11:07 amhaha no I must admit I’m woefully behind with current interesting things! I did just watch True Detective though, that was awesome. That’s about as far as I’ve gotten…
(Ps thumbs up, Mr Wolff. Veritas Aequitas to you!)
Lila Wolff says
September 26, 2014 at 12:19 pmLoved True Detective, it was so beautifully shot they could have rolled any old crap in and I’d’ve been happy with it!
Tasha Batsford says
September 26, 2014 at 10:21 amFirst up, thank you for making me choke on my rice over the teabagging comment.
Second: I’m with you on the guilty TV pleasures – in my case it’s Real Housewives and mainly because it makes me feel SO much better about my own life.
Third: Wolf Creek? There is no brain bleach strong enough to help me get past that film!
Veggie Mama says
September 26, 2014 at 10:37 amI started Wolf Creek and got distracted. I think I would actually like it!
I don’t watch anything anymore (although I made an impressive dent in Jersey Shore, hot damn I love that show) but back in the day! Ermagherd. The Simple Life, that weird one that Britney did with Kevin – all of it.
Reannon @shewhorambles says
September 26, 2014 at 3:09 pmJersey Shore?! My faaaaaaave! I went completely nuts watching that show. Nuts!!
Veggie Mama says
September 26, 2014 at 9:20 pmTHIS IS THE SHIRT BEFORE THE SHIRT
Reannon @shewhorambles says
September 26, 2014 at 9:30 pmGym. Tanning. Laundry.
Pauly is my favourite! The Situation I want to punch in the throat.
Rosierockets says
September 26, 2014 at 11:31 amOh god I love you!!!! That is all 🙂
Veggie Mama says
September 26, 2014 at 9:19 pmHa what did it for you?
Rosierockets says
September 29, 2014 at 9:27 am2 & 3 – I feel like we were switched at birth hahahaha
Veggie Mama says
September 29, 2014 at 9:38 pmhaha it’s a feeling deep in my soul
Jo says
September 26, 2014 at 11:33 amNick & Jess, I never picked that from you, he must of known she hammed it up for cameras hey! I have box set of Felicity. Dramas over picking 2 beautiful guys…… She so picked the wrong one!!!!
As for #3, I once tagged along with a workmate on a split shift to go shopping for shoes. She never mentioned Sex Shop Stripper shoes?!! Soon as I rang my (now husband) he guessed where I was from the tone in my voice! Wtf?!! My facial expression would of been similar to the Queens I reckon!
Veggie Mama says
September 26, 2014 at 9:19 pmHahah you weren’t prepared for that kind of trip, huh?! so funny! I did start watching Felicity, I really liked it 🙂
Reannon @shewhorambles says
September 26, 2014 at 3:14 pmSeriously you surprise me all the time. I would have never picked you as a prude! You must have DIED when I left that comment on your blog the other week!!!!
I doubt I have any skeletons in my closet because I’m such a loud mouth I tell everybody everything before they have a chance to find out & use it against me hahahahahahaha
Veggie Mama says
September 26, 2014 at 9:19 pmOh lord no, I love it when people say funny shit! It’s more that I’d cry and vomit if you told me about your love of solo vibrator sessions…
Reannon @shewhorambles says
September 26, 2014 at 9:29 pmDude you just made me vomit by saying solo vibrator sessions!
MotherDownUnder says
September 26, 2014 at 5:04 pmI was just thinking about Nick and Jess!
I was getting my hair cut and so was catching up on reading gossip mags and there was an “article” about her wedding.
And I was thinking back to the Newlyweds glory days.
And how during those days I could be lazy…and would sit on the couch and watch rerun marathons and it wouldn’t matter!
One of my sort of skeletons? I am secretly super American…like I was the captain of the swim team, the president of my sorority in college, and in a secret society!
Veggie Mama says
September 26, 2014 at 9:18 pmI totally wanted you to be like that! If you weren’t homecoming queen (because for all my years of USA love I still don’t know what the fuck homecoming is) then I’ll be so disappointed.
Angie@TheLittleMumma says
September 26, 2014 at 8:28 pmNewlyweds! I haven’t seen the last season so if those are your actual DVDs that you actually own, I’mma need to borrow.
I was thinking of writing a blog post about sex with an image of my cum face. NO?
Veggie Mama says
September 26, 2014 at 9:17 pmThey are legitimately mine, and I think I bought the last season from Cash Converters!
I think I just puked.
Shari says
September 27, 2014 at 9:45 amI have never seen an episode of ‘Newlyweds’ – is this something I should get into whilst breastfeeding? Lol about being a badass prude… We have a joke amongst our friends that I’m all about ‘keeping it vanilla’ – don’t talk to me about viberators, sex toys crazy positions ( I also have an over active imagination)…
Veggie Mama says
September 29, 2014 at 9:35 pmI really just can never look at them the same way again.
Tina Lacy says
September 28, 2014 at 2:11 pm1. I am currently re watching the Full House series am up to season four
2. I cant eat mushrooms or anything that has associated with a mushroom, this includes my husband he has to brush his teeth before I will kiss him if he has eaten one
3. I am always 30 minutes early for work I need time to settle in and have a coffee before I start
4. I hate shopping unless its for food
5. I would adopt all the kitties from the spca and be a crazy cat lady if my husband would let me
Veggie Mama says
September 29, 2014 at 9:38 pmYou totally need to go to Japan and see the Cat Cafes! We went to Nekobukuro (although this isn’t us) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIO7_m9S5-c
Tina Lacy says
September 30, 2014 at 4:42 pmohhhh I wanna go and cuddle all the kitty’s
Veggie Mama says
October 2, 2014 at 10:13 amIt is so much fun!
Andrea Hamann says
September 29, 2014 at 5:50 am3. Yes yes yes. Oh my god, the things you cant unsee. Dont tell me that your kids/neighbours/MIL interrupted you mid..romp.. either, and especially not on facebook…ewww.thats just unnecessary. I guess i’m a prude too.
Veggie Mama says
September 29, 2014 at 9:35 pmhaha oh boy TOTALLY keep that shit off FB. Good lord.
Clareeliza says
September 29, 2014 at 12:58 pmPlastic cheese is best eaten in a white bread toasted sandwich. Or folded into squares, then eating those squares individually.
I love a vegetarian ‘fritz’ sandwich and I have eaten easy mac for dinner on multiple occasions.
People always say I must be so healthy being a vegetarian and I just laugh in their face and eat 3 tim tams.
Veggie Mama says
September 29, 2014 at 9:35 pmOH MY GOD WE ARE TWINS
Sonia@ LIfe Love and Hiccups says
September 29, 2014 at 10:21 pmBahahaha I LOVE your skeletons almost as much as I love chocolate yogo…. almost, yogo is soooooo good! Bags watching a scary movie with you – the scarier the better as far as I’m concerned! 😉 xx
Veggie Mama says
October 2, 2014 at 10:13 amYogo is exceptional.
The Plumbette says
October 2, 2014 at 4:58 pmThis is so interesting! I went into a sex shop once and then hyperventilated because they had a camera in there and thought I’m going to be caught on camera being in a sex shop! I’ve never been into one since. Aren’t Arnotts cream biscuits awesome? I dunk them in my tea. We also love gingernuts.