“I got some skeletons in my closet, and I don’t know if no-one knows it” – Eminem, Cleaning out my Closet
Because where would we be without a rap quote on Veggie Mama, right? So I’ve been tagged by Sonia to spill five skeletons in my closet on this here blog, which sounds like fun, but my skeletons are staying put. Your eyes would bleed if you read them, and I don’t think they make tissues for that.
Instead, you can have mini-skeletons. Enjoy them.
SKELETON ONE: I HAVE WATCHED EVERY EPISODE OF NEWLYWEDS: NICK AND JESSICA. TWICE.
At least. Some of them several times. I can quote just about anything from it, and my cousin Jessica is still “Teabag Jess” in my phone after watching an episode in 2002 where Jessica Simpson talks to her mother about teabagging (if you don’t know it, don’t google it while your boss or small children are around unless you’re excellent at thinking up explanations on the spot about why you’re looking at scrotal sacks on the internet). They go shopping for clothes, Jessica pulls out pants and her mom says “you can teabag in those, Jess”. Yes, yes you can.
Oh my god, I just found the video! “tea bags – do you know what that is? it’s sexual“. I am dying laughing.
SKELETON TWO: SCARY MOVIES
No scary movies actually scare me because I am completely badass. I have been watching scary movies since I was a kid, and became totally immune to them. But don’t you dare try and make me watch White Noise ever again, or even The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I couldn’t get some of those images out of my head at 2am for like, a year.
SKELETON THREE: I AM A PRUDE
I am all for women’s lib and I want you to go on wit yo bad selves all over the place. As often as possible. Go to sex shops. Try new positions. Watch porn. Own your sexuality, gals! But do not tell me about it. I can’t even watch Sex and the City (for many reasons but also because) there’s way too much sex. Allude to it, fine. But I really don’t want to see your sex face. I once read a review on someone’s blog about some device you can insert to help you strengthen your pelvic floor muscles and when she was all “not to mention the other benefits, wink wink” I closed my computer in horror and have never read her blog since. I have a really good imagination guys, when you tell me you or someone else is masturbating, I CANNOT UNSEE THAT IN MY HEAD.
SKELETON FOUR: MY UNHEALTHY BUT NOSTALGIC FOOD CHOICES
Instant coffee, box mac and cheese, just about every Arnott’s biscuit ever made, Vegemite on cheap white bread with the crusts cut off, Paul’s custard in a refrigerated carton, Chocolate Yogo, plastic cheese, I will never leave you. Sometimes we have really long breaks, but you’re still my favourite gal/guy. I promise.
SKELETON FIVE: I AM LAZY
This isn’t really a skeleton, but I don’t talk about it much (although I did here). My one vice I find so hard to jettison is my natural inclination to sit in my pyjamas on the couch while the filthy house rises up around me is STRONG, yo. It’s hard to fight back. Sometimes I don’t. But I am a lazy shit and the only reason anything gets done around here is that I don’t let myself be half as lazy as I’d like to be. But still… lazy, lazy, lazy. Shortcut? I’ll take it!
Got some skeletons for me? I tag anyone who wants to play. Spill!