AKA I’m at that part of the process where this manuscript seems like the longest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. The more I work on it, the bigger it seems to get, like some time-morphing Alice in Wonderland bad dream.
I’m also at the point where finishing the first draft seems so far away I keep dragging my feet trying to find the time to work on it at all. Parts of the book seem like they’re going to take too much brain power than I can devote to it at that moment, and so I skip them in favour of lighter items. I try to do small bits and pieces here and there in the piecemeal moments I can find to work on it, but the amount of time I manage to find would be about enough for a brief sneeze.
This thing may never be finished at all at this rate, which leaves my chances of having it published at 0%.
I don’t like those odds, but I also have a family and have to work to pay the bills. I’m not by nature a time-waster, I already don’t watch TV or mindlessly scroll on my phone, and looking around for spare time I can convert to writing time leaves me finding not much at all. Houston, we have a problem.
At one point I challenged myself to write 1000 words a day just to get some momentum happening and make a dent in something… anything… and it was great for about a week. That was months ago.
There is a special kind of hell reserved for people who write in the hopes that someday it will be more than the sum of its parts. It’s a complete gamble to spend this much time, day after day, year after year on a book that just might not make it. So much love and passion and hope and self-discipline and sheer force of will could very possibly be resigned to a fate of receiving pleasant but firm rejections or never-ending months of nerve-unsettling dead silence. Is today the day? Let me refresh my inbox one more time! How about now? What are they doing on Twitter? Is anyone still alive? Did my email get to them? Are they ill? Was it something I said?
It’s telling that in the face of all of this, we stay the course. That we keep typing even though it doesn’t pay the bills. That these stories need to be told even if nobody ever reads them. That creatives gotta create, y’all.
I’m gonna write this shit or die trying.