This is what I am doing.
This prompt stumped me for a while. What was the biggest lie I ever told? I told a lot of lies as a kid, I still don’t know why. Perhaps I was just trying to be more interesting? I lied really well. I didn’t like it though. I remember once on the verge of a new year that I vowed this would be the year I would stop. But after all that, I never really told anything important.
But when I thought about it for a bit, I realised the biggest lie I ever told was one I told for years. Whenever anyone asked me if I was ok, I always said “yes”. And that was a lie.
I never really had anything serious going on, no depression or anxiety or anything like that. I was just a lost little kid who never belonged anywhere and didn’t think I had anyone I could trust. Anyone who would have done something even if I had answered “no”. But I was most certainly not all right, and I was not all right for a very long time.
Nobody really asked me much if I was all right when I was younger. So by the time I was in my early 20s and still not all right, I didn’t know how to answer yes. Saying I was struggling and felt lost and alone was a vulnerable thing to do and I was the total opposite of vulnerable. I was badass. I didn’t need anyone, no parents, no man, no friends, no nothing. I was a force to be reckoned with and I was fine, thank you very much. But a lot of the time, I was not ok.
Being a solo warrior was useful as it taught me very much about myself. And about other people. and I realised that other people were having great lives with great relationships while I was busy pushing everyone else away, although their relationships with each other was something that I wanted more than anything. So I set about changing my mindset and trying to be more approachable. Less prickly. Less remote. Less excruciatingly shy. I peeled off my anger blanket that covered every single emotion, little by little, and I fought to dominate the negative self-talk my brain played over and over. Nobody could beat me, not even myself. I would be the boss of me, and I knew that cynicism and suspicion should not be my default setting. It was hard and there were lots of false starts, but one day I realised I was thinking from a place of positivity, and I was letting people in. I still didn’t know how to ask for or accept help, but if someone had asked me if I was ok, I would have answered yes. And it would have been the truth.
I’m really loving this series Stacey. I’ve only started learning to ask for help, it’s hard, sometimes harder than just doing it all for myself.
I’m glad that you’re ok now.
Oh yep, I’d much rather push on alone, no matter how hard it is. Such a silly thing to do though, and I hope I learn to ask for help sooner rather than later! It’s nice being OK. It makes life fun and interesting and less stressful. Thanks for popping in every day, girl. I love it x
Love your take on this prompt & bloody good in you! So far this series has just increased the respect & admiration I have you Stacey. You are an amazing woman x
Aw shucks. I’m a big dickhead in real life, I promise x
Loving this series Stacey – you’ve come a long way! It’s funny because I would consider you one of the more approachable, friendly bloggers I have come across, so I never would have guessed that wasn’t your natural mindset in the past! Looking forward to the rest of the series!
PS. how are the big move plans coming along?!
I totally had to teach myself that! It wasn’t easy, but I’m glad I did. I know what it’s like to be rebuffed, and I don’t like it. So I don’t do it to others. And telling me I’ve come a long way is music to my ears!
Just about to start properly looking for houses – so excited!
How exciting! Hopefully we can turn on the sunshine for you when you arrive!
Yep, you’re awesome. Still. Your honesty here and your sheer fabulousness has me in awe. Xxxx
Heheh ain’t nothing like a little fabulousness x
I’m so excited about you doing this challenge. So much great writing to be read! And I’m very happy that you’re ok & that you decided to let people in, because otherwise I might never have been able to visit your house & eat your scones & fall in love with your baby girls. And you x
Ugh, you’re too cute for me. Can you believe I’m moving? Talk about asshole.
So much truth.
x
Word.
Love this post -hugely inspiring, lady : ) X
Thank you so much 🙂
Reading this makes me want to read you more. All that you have gone through has made you into an incredible person and will be tools to be an awesome mother which you are already doing. xo
Well thank you! It sure gives me some great dinner party stories 😉
What is it about confessions that is so compelling! I down tools every day when I see you have posted a new one! I’ve always thought you were pretty fricken great, but your honesty and fearless approach to this series is inspiring. Loving the reads 🙂
Oh god, I love a sneaky peek into people’s lives. Endlessly fascinating. So glad you like the series, I was wondering what kind of reception it would have!
I am loving this series…and your answers to the prompts…so much honesty…and so well written!
I just sit down and it all comes out. Weird.
Once again another brilliantly composed and honest post to draw us in to the intriguing veggie mama world. Your girls will be all the better with a mama who can keep it real 🙂
I’m down with the homies!
I can completely relate to this post. x
That is rad and bad x
These posts are so honest. I love them.
I’m glad you do! No point in telling porkie pies 🙂
I to have told this lie and believe me I was a damn good liar, I guess I thought if I pretended hard enough I might even convince myself it was true, unfortunately I have learn the hard way it doesn’t work like that and everything comes crashing down eventually. Thank you for sharing this, for showing me that with work life can and will get better.
I think that’s a lie we are probably all guilty of.
I think you’re correct.