Hello. I’m the person who went to their local Savers today and cleaned it out of jigsaw puzzles, children’s denim, and Delia Smith cookbooks.
I’m also the person who owns a chicken that’s on the roof of my garage right now. I don’t know how she got up there, or how she’s going to get down.
I’m a person in love with their new (old) fridge because it ends the daily struggle of having to deal with a broken one and not lose my everloving shit every time opened the door. I could cheerfully set fire to that stupid goddamn thing and laugh while it burns. Except that’s probs bad for the environment.
I’m a person who had to cut a cucumber slice into microscopic pieces just now to get my 5yo to actually try it. No dice (literally).
I’m a human who had a wine (or three) too many on Saturday night and spent many an hour belting out 80s power ballads to what would have to be the undoubted joy of my neighbours.
I’m a lass who’s going to get off this computer imminently with every intention of finishing a dishcloth I’m knitting but will probably end up just sitting there, leafing through a magazine and watching season 3 of The Fall while eating white chocolate chips straight from the jar.
I’m the girl who sweated up a storm today as the mercury hit 27.7 C after it being 11 C during school dropoff, where I shivered in my polar-fleece lined parka.
I’m the lady with eyes who is continually astounded at the sheer amount of floral colour in the hood these days. Flowers, flowers everywhere, and trees covered in the greenest of green. It’s so newly green it’s bordering on mutant neon. So great.
I’m a woman who wrote “me too” as a Facebook status today because I’ve been sexually harrassed and assaulted multiple times in my 37 years, and I’m not surprised but heartbroken to see so many “me too”s. I don’t know any woman who hasn’t been the recipient of unwanted sexual advances. What the hell does this say about our culture? The last time I was groped was last year and it was by a 96-year-old man with one hand on his walker and one grabbing my tits, which is both hilarious and actually fucked up. It never ends, we’re never safe. What’s it got to take to have our children grow up without experiencing this bullshit?
Anyway, that’s me right now. Who are you?