It sucks.
It really, really does. Even if it’s constructive, even if it’s given kindly, even if it makes you a better writer. It sucks all the things in the land.
It is also very, truly necessary. There are many reasons one’s writing is criticised and it’s not always because you are the dumbest person ever to put pen to paper, although it certainly can feel like it at the time. That hot flush of shame, the pulse quickening, that awful pit in your stomach. You tried really hard and someone didn’t like it. But it’s ok. And you learn to deal with it more effectively each time.
Now I know nothing of manuscripts and book publishing in that sense, so I’m not much help to those of you staring down the barrel of yet another rejection letter. I also have never pitched articles out of the blue as a freelancer (I’ve never had time! But I’m sure it’ll be my turn soon enough), but I know it can be a real hassle to be turned down, especially if you’ve already written it.
What I am talking about is having your work edited or sent back for correcting, or critiqued in general, and the stupid gamut of emotions that come with it, and how best to deal with them. Well, what’s worked for me, anyway! I cringe at feedback, and often read things quickly through squinted eyes to assess the damage. It never feels nice to get something wrong, but with writing, making mistakes is the best way to learn. The hardest, yeah, the most roundabout route, yeah, but absolutely the best.
What I try to keep in mind is that if I have been commissioned for a piece and it comes back with edits and corrections, that doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve failed spectacularly and should take up ceramics and see if I can make a living from that instead. Perhaps I’d misread the brief. Perhaps I’d misunderstood the point. Perhaps the person issuing it didn’t explain it properly. And sometimes, it’s likely that two people’s interpretations of the same thing are both right, but also vastly different. It’s cool, they’ll just beat your beast into submission to best fit their idea and you both still get what you want. I do find stories like that quite hard to read when finally published though, it just brings all the I’m-a-douche feelings all over again! Sometimes it’s best to assume there will be things to be changed before you even open the email.
It makes you stupidly defensive. You want to explain yourself twenty times over, to show them why you did what you did, or what your line of reasoning is. It can feel a bit unjust. That’s when you start to overthink it and you’re making a cup of tea or brushing your teeth and all of a sudden it floods your mind and you get all worked up all over again. Worse still, you realise they’re right, and you won’t believe how you could possibly have missed those sorts of things the first time around. My best course of action is to just say nothing. Thank them, make the necessary adjustments, apologise if necessary and send it on its way. I feel it’s the most professional way of dealing with it, and it also lends an air of detachment to the whole thing. It won’t be the last time you’ll have to make corrections to your work so you may as well get used to it. That’s when you find a friend and unload all the injustice you’ve ever felt and they’ll agree and you’ll feel better and get over it. (as I said in my previous post about writing, do stick to your guns if you believe you genuinely believe they’re wrong, but if it’s just general butthurt, then suck it up.)
I also like to take a moment and remember: I’m a writer. Someone is paying me to put words into order to tell a story, something I’ve always wanted to do. Cheer up, all writers have to deal with this! And you wouldn’t have been asked if they didn’t think you were capable. Writing (or any creative) criticism is different because you love it so much. you’re hardly going to be so emotionally hurt if someone told you that you hadn’t cleaned a window properly, or missed a spot with the vaccuuming. You’ve invested in your words, and they’re all tied up in your ego. A lot of writing, no matter how techinical, requires you to be vulnerable. Yeouch.
One hot tip though – Do not let them see you cry! It’s not professional (didn’t Kelly Cutrone write that book If You’re Going to Cry, Go Outside? man…. so true) and if it’s just general bitching or internet nastiness, the last thing you want to do is retaliate, or worse still, defend yourself, because that shit don’t matter. Nobody ever won an argument against trolls or keyboard warriors with THE FACTS. Check their words over to see if there’s something you can genuinely learn from it, eat a huge slice of humble pie, and then figure out what you can do to be better. If they’re just being an asshole, then put them squarely out of your mind. If you are happy with what you’re doing, then to hell with them, they don’t have to read if they don’t want to. You can’t be all things to all people and you shouldn’t even try. We all have people and things that rub us the wrong way no matter what they do, or how nice they are, or how much other people like them. That ain’t nobody’s fault, but it’s best not to dwell on it whether you’re the hater or the hatee. That shit ain’t healthy.
When feeling a bit bereft because I’ve had an article sent back or whatever, I like to go do something to cheer myself up. You’ve really got to remove yourself from the situation and do something completely different. Steal a hug and a kiss from the kiddos, read a book, eat some cake, go for a walk with some music. The worst thing you can do is ruminate, you’ll invest too much energy on it. The faster you acknowledge, deal with it, and then genuinely try to move on, the better you’ll feel, the faster you’ll get over it, and the more you’ll realise the next time that mistakes don’t define you. Hell, I’ve used these tactics with all sorts of things that upset me, not just writing-related. It’s how I’ve survived the last 15 years! I honestly don’t know of anyone who came out, writing guns blazing, and just nailed it consistently every time for their whole career. It just doesn’t happen. You’ve got to be willing to take a risk, put yourself out there and learn and grow when the opportunities arise. The payoff is so worth it – when that first cheque comes in or you see your byline and you see something you wanted to do so badly is finally happening, then you’ll realise you’re quite willing to do a lot of things to get better and keep that ball rolling. Writing is addictive.
So what do you do when you feel like a miserable trollop? Please don’t tell me you give up, that’s no way to kick ass!
Enid Bite'Em says
March 8, 2013 at 8:33 amI like the Stephen King answer (have you ever read his book ‘On Writing?). He hung all his rejection slips on his bedroom wall (and then had to get another nail when one couldn’t hold them up anymore). He saw rejection as a complete separate thing to not writing. It probably went something like this “get up, have breakfast, open mail, nail today’s rejection slip to the wall …” he probably frames them now and thinks “hahaha, suckers!” 🙂
Veggie Mama says
March 8, 2013 at 9:48 amHa that book has been on my list for about a hundred and fifty years. I’m gonna go buy it right now. I think JK Rowling had a ton of rejection slips too, whosoever said no to her would have to be kicking themselves. I think the earlier you steel yourself and learn to accept it as part of the industry, the better you can deal with it. And then you can start calling the shots, Stephen King-like!
bron@babyspace says
March 8, 2013 at 10:10 amyes, do it. that stephen king book is gold for all writers.
Lisa @ Greek Vegetarian says
March 8, 2013 at 8:58 amOh I relate whole-heartedly. Creativity is so personal (and subjective!) and it’s bloody hard to take it on the chin when someone doesn’t like your work. Being a graphic designer I’m exposed to judgement every time I present concepts to a client, and no matter how clear the brief, how great you think you’ve done, sometimes they just don’t like it. I did cry, once. Biggest mistake ever. But you learn, and you get stronger. Power walking with music in my ears helps me get over it – I might look like a bit of a dickhead stomping down Glenhuntly Road with my headphones on but I can take that kind of judgement with much less pain than creative criticism!
Veggie Mama says
March 8, 2013 at 9:46 amhaha same! It’s incredibly hard not to take it personally even if the feedback isn’t personal. And words do hurt, no matter in what context they’re given. It sucks when you try so hard and it’s just not right, even if you love it. I think you learn to manage it, and I doubt anybody is truly immune, even if they’ve been copping it for years. Part of the business, yeah, but a real sucky part!
Nikki | Styling You says
March 8, 2013 at 9:28 am28 years of taking “feedback” on the chin here. You do learn from it. The editors over the years who had a more constructive way of delivering the feedback are the ones I remember! The abusive ones … no thanks.
Veggie Mama says
March 8, 2013 at 9:44 amYou really learn a lot about a person by the way they give their feedback, don’t you! And now that I have to give it, I am so mindful of what the consequences might be. Our chins get mighty strong. Like Gaston!
Sarah wayland says
March 8, 2013 at 11:42 amNikki I like this – 2 years of freelancing has taught me not to keeping going with the unkind ones and stay loyal and focussed with the ones that are respectful, appreciative and happy to point me in a new direction. Do I have to wait another 26 years before I get off the rollercoaster?
Nikki | Styling You says
March 8, 2013 at 4:38 pmI think the rollercoaster is always there in the creative world – I still do some freelancing but even writing a blog means that your new critics are not your boss but your reader. And I think you’re being smart by staying loyal to those who respectful and and guide you.
Kelly Exeter says
March 8, 2013 at 10:16 amBa haa haaaa. I LOVE ‘Do not let them see you cry’. I think I am going to frame that one Stace!!
Veggie Mama says
March 9, 2013 at 1:21 pmI’m gonna buy the book 🙂
Sarah wayland says
March 8, 2013 at 11:40 amyou and Kel are twins today! Must be something in the waters…Im juggling uber rejection vibes from every area at the moment – getting ready for confirmation of candidature for my PhD, writing articles and having them flicked back, starting a new business and waiting patiently by the phone for referrals.
I dont go outside to cry, I cry in the shower – less puffy eyes and all that x
Veggie Mama says
March 9, 2013 at 1:21 pmOh yes I’ve done that. But I’ve gone outside to cry at work! I think I’d be most worried about my confirmation… all other writing doesn’t seem to carry as much weight, and be the end product of so much work.
Rachel_theviblog says
March 8, 2013 at 1:39 pmGreat post! I also used to get horribly upset and defensive when my writing was citicised but I learned to deal with after observing a new graphic desinger who came on board.
She treated every project she was given like they were her client – so for example if I asked her to format a poster I’d brief her on what I wanted and she’d give me the work when it was done.
If I wanted changes she simply made them and it became clear that she didn’t take it that I was criticising HER. The work just wasn’t what I – the client – wanted. She had learned to separate herself from her product. Once I starrted thinking of my writing as a product created to fulfil a particular brief I was able to handle it much better. If it wasn’t quite right it wasn’t becuase I wasn’t a good writer – it was becuase the product needed some adjustments to better fit the purpose that it needed to fulfil.
Veggie Mama says
March 9, 2013 at 1:20 pmGosh yes, separation is the bomb! Whatever you can do to toughen up that skin and not take impersonal criticism personally. What a great attitude she had!
Seana Smith says
March 9, 2013 at 9:02 amI loved my first boss in TV, he always said he didn’t need to give criticsm, when an item on our live show sucked we knew all about it and that pain was enough. True!!
But with writing good feedback is really valuable, and it’s so true that the way it’s given tells a lot about the critic.
Given the massive amount of crappola life deals out, writing being criticised is very minor.. and I often think like that: ‘I’ve visited relatives in prison, my son was dx with autism spectrum, dad died of his drinking… really, this is nowt!!’
Having said that crying when swimming works for me every time, you can do it with breast stroke and backstroke and then do the crawl when it’s time to stop crying.
Veggie Mama says
March 9, 2013 at 1:19 pmI’d drown! And yes, putting it in perspective is so helpful. Something happened last week on the same day a woman here died in a horrible traffic crash. I know which I’d rather x
Grace says
March 10, 2013 at 1:28 pmI take criticism on my writing so badly. I think it’s because I usually need to vent out with someone once I’m rejected but being a SAHM, who is there to turn to? But you’re right, doing something good for yourself like eating some cake or hugging the kiddos can make the world of difference.
Then you just gotta pick yourself up and dust yourself off.
Veggie Mama says
March 11, 2013 at 1:09 pmSometimes I like to write down all the things that are bugging me! Gets them off my chest, and nobody else has to see it x
sar (accidental lentil) says
March 10, 2013 at 1:56 pmoh it hurts doesn’t it! I find that due to everything being done over email these days there is more opportunity for miscommunication in the pitching/commissioning process. That’s what I tell myself anyway :). I like to ignore it for a while, go do something else, and most of the time, when i do sit down to re-edit my work I realise the editor was spot on. there’s usually a reason they’re the editor/sub-editor. Having said that, I agree that there is no place for rudeness!
Veggie Mama says
March 11, 2013 at 1:09 pmThankfully, I’ve never had it. But there’s just no need for it! And yes, reading flat words on a screen never really tells you the intent behind them. We tend to read criticism negatively, but they might not mean it to be harsh! Still sucks though x
the parenting files - tahlia says
March 11, 2013 at 2:31 pmCriticism is never easy to take. I always like to rephrase it as ‘constructive criticism’. At the end of the day, no one is perfect and we can all grow and learn in some way. And I remind myself that everyone has their own agenda and often, it is not personal either xo
Veggie Mama says
March 11, 2013 at 3:28 pmI wish it was easier, it would make like a lot less brutal! It’s rarely personal but sometimes we have a hard time separating ourselves from our work. Gah.